Friday, 3 July 2015

Stress, the Creativity Killer.

This past week has been a shitty one. At work on Sunday, we had a married couple who wouldn't take no for an answer when demanding a refund. On Wednesday, July officially began and my brother's girlfriend's time in our house came to an end - or should have, at any rate. And yesterday, I went to work early and opened up for the other manager like I had been doing every other morning. It was something I thought she liked me doing, because she often said thank you and seemed relieved. But yesterday she snapped at me for it, and I promised I wouldn't do it again. 

The week piled up on me, and I spent most of my morning crying - but not a single person noticed. 

I'm not here to complain about that. I prefer that nobody sees when I cry, because often hearing, "Are you okay?" will just set me off all over again. And how was I supposed to explain that my tears were the result of a bunch of little things that were getting on my nerves? It sounded stupid even in my head. But we can't help how we feel, can we? 

I'm here to complain because I think I have the answer to my own problems, to relieving all of this stress - and yet the ability to write still remains just out of my reach. 

Oftentimes when I'm feeling down on my work, I go back and read my old comments. They're always a surefire way to put a smile on my face and remind me that once upon a time, people loved what I was doing. A few days ago, I was reminded of this again when Lost hit a new milestone on Wattpad

I have never been the sort of person to care about how many reads my story gets. Truth be told, I am the sort of person who judges my stories' popularity by the amount of comments they get (or in Wattpad's case, the votes). But Lost hit 4,000 reads these past few days, and that made me smile. So to anybody reading this who has read that, I thank you. 

But this is old stuff, right? Written before my long writer's block came into play. 

Have I mentioned that I started a new writing course? I am doing the Certificate in Science Fiction, Fantasy & Horror Writing course through Australia's Open Colleges. It was a way for me to force myself back onto my feet, and so far I think it's going well. I have submitted two assignments, though I hated both of them. The first earned me a Credit - barely a pass, in my opinion. And the second, which I felt sure I had flunked, earned me a Distinction. 

That was the second thing to make me smile this week. 

It told me that yes, I can still write. That yes, all I need to do is push through and get things done. That yes, I am still good at hiding complex things in simple scenes. More than anything, I needed this. And now more than anything, I am ready to get back on my feet. 

As a last little comment here, I just want to direct everybody's attention to a blog post that Brigid Kemmerer posted some two years ago. At the time of posting, I read it and thought, "There is nothing in the world that can stop me writing. Writing is my therapy!" But a few weeks ago, after three painful deaths and more than a year without writing, I went back and reread it and was given hope.

Never give up, right? Never say die.

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